European hospitality has always surprised me. This morning I was invited to brunch at a Swiss friend's house, and I woke up early to prepare a dessert to bring. The host even told me specifically what was needed or missing.
Yes, in Switzerland, to be polite you must bring a small gift such as flowers, some food you prepared, or drinks. You simply do not arrive with empty hands. I have embarrassed myself a few times by showing up with nothing.
What surprised me the most was the barbecue, where each guest brings their own meat. Back home in Mauritania, this would be a scandal. In my own family we offered a whole sheep at the very least, and sometimes a full camel, for a single guest. Which, I agree, is a bit extreme. Sorry to all the vegetarians reading this.
I explained these strange Swiss habits to an aunt in Mauritania who has never travelled abroad, and she could not stop laughing. The barbecue example was funny enough, but she laughed even harder when I told her that in Switzerland we have fixed dates for throwing out different kinds of rubbish, and that there is even a calendar for garbage and recycling.
But let's leave Swiss obsessions with garbage aside for now and return to hospitality. I further explained to my aunt that we need to finish our plate and, of course, arrive on time. Yes, Swiss people are not only obsessed with garbage, but also with punctuality.
I found these differences fascinating because everything is upside down in Mauritania. Hospitality there is a real cultural institution, almost a sacred duty. I believe this comes from our nomadic and Arab origins. Every guest must be treated in the best possible way, even if you do not know them.
Let me explain how to be polite as a guest.
Rule 1: Always come late
When you are invited for 7 PM, this means you should not arrive before 8:30, maybe 9, or even later.
Rule 2: Don't bring anything
Bringing something to your host can actually be insulting. The host invited you, which means the host provides everything.
Rule 3: Praise the food, but eat as little as possible
This huge table full of food should remain almost untouched. Never finish your plate. And of course, when the host insists that you eat more, it turns into a small ritual that everyone knows by heart:
"No, thank you." "Eat." "Really, I'm fine." "Eat." "No, honestly, I've had enough." "Eat."
And above all, you can invite yourself to anyone's house. You do not ask. You simply come, and the door will almost always be open. In fact, people often prefer receiving visitors without prior notice because it gives them an excuse for not preparing more.
"Sorry, I didn't have time to prepare a full sheep for you..."
Of course, this has side effects. It becomes almost impossible to plan anything because anyone can come visit you at any time. In such a case, your evening plans are effectively cancelled.
So which culture is more generous? I am trying to answer that question here. Let's take the example of the gift you bring to a Swiss host.
The French anthropologist Marcel Mauss explained in his famous essay The Gift that every gift carries three quiet obligations: the obligation to give, the obligation to accept, and, above all, the obligation to give something back one day.
A present looks spontaneous and generous, but underneath it quietly opens an account. It ties two people together with a thin thread of debt, and that thread is more or less what we call a relationship. Once you start seeing gifts this way, my two cultures stop contradicting each other.
In Switzerland, the small gift you bring your host works more like a settlement than a real gift. You arrive, you hand it over, you enjoy the evening, and the account that dinner opened is closed before you reach your car. You leave owing nothing, and nothing is owed to you. The relationship is respected, but the books are balanced quickly.
In Mauritania, the opposite is the whole point. The host overwhelms you precisely so that the account stays open. You leave owing something, and the debt is never meant to be cleared because the open debt is the bond itself. We do not settle accounts with the people we love. We keep them open on purpose, for life.
Another anthropologist, Marshall Sahlins, gave these two habits names that I keep coming back to. He called the first balanced reciprocity, a fair, roughly equal exchange that settles on the spot, like the box of chocolates you carry to dinner. He called the second generalized reciprocity, where you give freely, keep no ledger, and trust that over a lifetime it all comes back around. The Swiss way is balanced reciprocity, while Mauritania is generalized reciprocity. And nowhere do you see that more clearly than in our wedding gifts.